Farmer Wants a Wife has traditionally been a pretty sleepy little show. But this season, Farmer Zac’s contestant, Miranda, is well and truly shaking things up.
Miranda, a 21-year-old real estate professional, has proven to be one of the most formidable contestants in the reality TV franchise’s history. The former competitive swimmer is approaching this traditionally romance-driven series with the absolute ruthlessness of Cersei Lannister, triggering memories of being bullied by water polo players in high school. She’s truly the blonde bombshell from hell in a Réalisation Par-dupe dress.
Clearly cast as the series villain, Miranda’s behaviour has escalated so much that Channel 7 producers now play Jaws-style music when she’s on screen. Quite seriously, she’s starting to rival Married at First Sight‘s Brook.
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First, she laid into anxious Jessica. When Farmer Zac chose Jessica’s date idea, it visibly “annoyed” Miranda. Jessica, a gentle soul who brings to mind the expression “wouldn’t hurt a fly”, tearfully admitted the environment was triggering her insecurities. Unable to cope, she watched from a corner at the Country Ball while Zac danced with Miranda.
To be fair, to Miranda, Farmer Zac had shown some favouritism. When he injured his wrist and went to the emergency room on their 24-hour date he asked Jessica to drive him — you know, because she was there – a move Miranda seemed to chalk up to a diabolical strategy rather than a sweet mishap. At the start of the country dance, Miranda blew on a dandelion, making a wish to producers with a saccharine smile: “I wish that Jessica goes home, I get a kiss, and I get a date.” This is a girl who is truly relishing her villain edit.
When Zac didn’t send anyone home due to his hospital stint, Miranda was seriously miffed. “She doesn’t have what it takes to be a farmer’s wife,” she bluntly told the other girls regarding Jessica. “She should take herself home out of respect for everyone else.” Given Jessica’s perpetual tearfulness, I had to kind of agree with her.
When a tearful Jess finally sent herself home, I hoped Miranda’s thirst for blood might be satisfied. Instead, she proved insatiable. Her laser eye immediately turned to 22-year-old medical receptionist Maya, who had the audacity to show a little competitive spirit. “It’s serving desperate,” Miranda snapped to the other girls as Maya pulled Zac for a chat. Okay Regina George!
Personally, I think trekking out to a farm to compete with multiple women for a 24-year-old farmer’s attention is inherently “serving desperate,” but given the state of Hinge in major cities, I’ve been withholding judgement and checking out application forms for 2027. By this point, the other contestants seemed less interested in Zac and more desperate for Miranda’s approval, nodding along enthusiastically to her every word lest they also fall victim.
Miranda then declared she’d do “whatever it takes” to get the 24-hour date. Her weapon of choice? The time-tested method of fake crying. When Zac rushed over to check on her, she sniffed that she was frustrated about their lack of time together, saying, “I’m missing my own life to be with you.” The moment he showered her with reassurance, her eyes dried in rapid time. Smiling like a piranha, she wrapped her arms around him and asked for a kiss, teasing, “Are you scared of me?”
Farmer Zac admitted he was (honestly, same). “I’m hesitant; I’ve never gone for someone who looks like you before,” he said, clearly referring to her beauty and not the alarming glint in her eye. It took exactly one long kiss for Zac to quickly set his worries aside, selecting Miranda for the 24-hour date and leaving Maya in the dust. “There are definitely feelings there,” he tells producers enthusiastically. Exactly where those feelings are, our 24-year-old ingenue doesn’t specify.
Which brings us to tonight. I have a feeling things are about to reach a boiling point.
The trailer for tonight’s episode shows Miranda confronting the group, parking herself down to demand, “Who here feels I’m not genuine?” “Here we go,” mutters 25-year-old environmental scientist Grace, whom I can only assume has been doing some venting behind closed doors.
We also see a clip of Miranda explaining to Zac’s twin sister that she’s “struggled all my life with people being jealous of me.” Despite Miranda describing herself as “hard not to like,” Zac’s twin is looking completely stony-faced. I, on the other hand, am gripped. Miranda kind of had me sold when she called out the Farmer Wants a Wife producers for lying about the farmers’ heights on the applications. Channel 7 described all of the farmers as 6ft. She told Chattr she found this very dubious: “I don’t know if their heights are accurate,” Miranda said. “I don’t even know if Zac was actually 6’3, but he was taller than me, so it was good enough.” Brutal.
Farmer Zac seems as utterly smitten with Miranda as I am, but as we approach tonight’s episode, I have a feeling it’s going to be an absolute bloodbath. Grab your popcorn.